How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
