her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
