Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
