Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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