you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
as a side note pls kill me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
