toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Small penises have feelings too.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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