does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
