There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Is it penis luge time yet?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
