I hate your face
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize