my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
