If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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