yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He passed out mid-signature
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
