I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
