Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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