As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
