it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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