i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
