just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
