I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
