He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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