I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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