How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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