My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Randomize
