What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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