I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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