i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
