What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
