hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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