I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
