i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.â€
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