Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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