Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
