I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We had sex on a dog bed..
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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