i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
