Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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