So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
