i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize