mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
