its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
