good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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