Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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