Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
