You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
