Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
