dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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