2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize