I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
