Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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