Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
