someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
