nutella sex= disaster
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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