I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize