So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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